Deviation Actions
Literature Text
In Ancient China, during the war between the kingdoms of Shu, Wu, and Wei is a family that will bring about great change to the kingdoms. This family travels the trading road created one hundred years ago during the Han dynasty, as nomadic merchants. The road that brought Western and Eastern nations together, starting with the trade of silk and spices, and spread to an exchange of religion, culture, ideas, and knowledge. The family stops at the start of a dry and dusty summer night, at a large camp with various groups of people, on the Southwestern outskirts of Shu. During this night in their ten foot-tall silk-and-leather domed dwelling, the family discuss the future of the kingdoms and their strong-willed, aggressive daughter.
Standing, six feet tall, she looks to her Greek father and Chinese mother kneeling on their large, lavish silk cushions, proclaiming, “I will stop any violence in this chaotic war this country has plunged itself into.”
Grabbing the hilt of her Dao sword with her right hand on her waist she continues, “I, Héping Bellator, will make it my life’s work to stop this war between the three warring kingdoms and teach them to use diplomacy to resolve problems instead of violence or, if I see no other way, force them to do so. I am tired of seeing many people take aggressive action over many small things to which I believe this war was started from. I have read many scrolls and tomes and have come to the conclusion that aggressive actions, not just war causes many desirable effects by the user and undesirable actions to the people who it is inflicted upon. I will start the end of this war on this route that is meant for trading of everything."
With an outstretched hand, her mother pulls Hépings wrist down, “You need to kneel down.”
The fire cracks in defiance with her as she yanks her hand smacking it on the chest of her dark red sleepwear. “I will not. I will do so once you give me a reason to do so. I will sit when I have said enough of what I truly feel about what the kingdoms are doing to it citizens.”
“You must calm down and kneel or you will wake someone in the camp,” the mother suggest with an eye wider than the other.
She gives in thus removing her Dao sword and kneeling on the small silk cushion in front of realizing she is exhausted from her speech.
“It is for those reasons you stated we have trained you, our eighteen-year-old daughter, since your third year to learn martial arts and swordsmanship to protect others, yourself and to change these warring kingdoms.” The father says with a fake smile.
“We have been talking, and we have decided that you should change your name so as to further protect others and yourself,” the mother suggests to her daughter.
“This name, whatever you choose, should be a name that is neither masculine nor feminine or any name that is indicative of the word diplomacy or your personality.” the father adds.
Héping, angry at the suggestion, but trying to be calm for the other people in the camp, “I will not change myself or my name just because you tell me to do so. I will consider it once others try to kill me because of my name, gender, and heritage. I will use those three. People see as disadvantages what I see as advantages to force them to think otherwise.”
Her mother reacts serenely, “We do not trust you will be able to change any society just by forcing them to use diplomacy. We will trust you to start your life’s work. Once you show us that your knowledge of diplomacy or your skills with the baugazhang style.”
“I don’t have time to do that. I have already decided to leave in the morning I believe you have taught me enough while traveling with you from town to town, from city to city, by using violence to stop violence,” she calmly condemns them.
Trying to convince her, her father says, “We now know, what we did would not help your desire to stop violence. It was hard for us to change so drastically in one generation and accept you as a woman whose desire it is to stop the warring kingdoms. For us to fully trust your conviction, you will prove it by doing by doing what you mother suggested.”
“Why do you need me to do this for you to fully trust me?” Héping asks, suddenly standing up with her arms in the air.
The mother stands up and puts her hands on Hépings’ wide shoulders. She tries to push her down to the cushion. Héping resists by standing still with her arms crossed at her chest. She glares with her black eyes into her mothers’ equally intense brown eyes for some time before realizing her mother is serious and sits down.
“We need you to do this so that we would know when you were ready to know the true source of why you desire peace by stopping the warring kingdoms. It didn’t come from your hatred and anger over what you thought was violence connected to the war, which actually were other people trying to assert themselves. Your desire came from the Bodhisattva, an enlightened being, Guanyin when it appeared to us in a dream on the hundredth day after your birth.” The mother continues with, “Why we made you learn martial arts and swordsmanship. Why we gave you the name Héping, meaning peace. Not just for you to protect others like yourself who are female and of mixed heritage while we are traveling on the road.”
The mother tells the father by putting her rough strong hand on his weak clean hand in between their cushions, “I don’t remember much of the dream. So you will need to tell all of it.”
“Guanyin came to us with a flash of light, and emerged as a man with long black hair and a mustache appeared with dimmed light emanating from his white open-chest robe, sitting in the center of a lotus blossom. They stood up with a hand in other surrounded by light. The being descended until he was above eye level looking down at them.”
The father questioned the being, “Who are you and why you have come to us?”
The being spoke calmly, “I am the one who control and gives success, mercy, and peace to you humans, the Bodhisattva, Guanyin. I have come to tell you to train your newborn daughter in martial arts and teach her diplomacy as soon as she is able to hold a weapon and understand what they are. She will use these teachings to achieve the desire of peace between your kingdoms that I have given her.”
The father asked, “Why do you want us to do this? It is not necessary for a girl to be trained and taught such things. For a girl cannot stop…” He feels his hand being squeezed he then turns his head and sees the mother staring at him.
“I need to stop there because I don’t question anything the Bodhisattva tells me. I just do what I am told. You would not question one of your Greek gods and goddess when they come to you in a dream to command you to do something.”
“You,” said Guanyin pointing to the father, “Shall teach her diplomacy, and you,” now pointing to the mother, “Shall teach her the martial arts form of Baguazhang. Do not tell her what I given her and told you two until her eighteenth year and when she thinks she is ready to stop the warring kingdoms. That is when I shall return to her in a dream to give her a decision about her future. Do not question me any further, for I have spoken.”
"Guanyin vanished with the light it appeared with and both parents suddenly leaned up, agreed to do what the being told them to do".
“So have you had the dream yet and were told what your future would be, daughter?” The mother asks Héping
She answers, “No, I have not. Why do you not think I would not be ready to stop this war between the kingdoms?”
“We are worried what about future Guanyin will tell you in your dream, you will have.” The father tells her.
Héping end the conversation with, “I will tell you once I have the dream.”
Thus, they stand up in their dwelling only and put out the small fire quickly with a thick large cloth. They slowly walk to the sleeping area separated by a thin wall. The parents walk together to their large bed on one side and Héping’s bed on the other. Within minutes of getting into and pulling, the thin silk covering over them and they fall asleep.
Héping’s dream begins with a sudden flash of light paralyzing her, with a sense of calm had come with the light. The light did not recede and she realizes she is able to move until Guanyin emerges as a female long flowing black hair white robe, hands on her lap, sitting on the center of a lotus blossom. Héping see two smaller beings, one-eighth the size of Héping, one on each side that are Guanyin acolytes, assistant to all beings, accompany the being. Héping stands up once the light recedes and realizes that she can move and stands up. Guanyin still sitting on the lotus blossom slowly moves down until they are eye level with each other.
“Are you Guanyin the of success, peace, and protection who my parents just told me about that came to them in a dream and told them that you gave my desire to stop the war?” Héping says with a critical tone while slowly walking towards the being and sees the two acolyte children before they hide behind Guanyin, scared of Héping
“Yes, I am,” Guanyin, says as it opens its eyes. “Do not take any more steps or I will paralyze you again.” As the being demands with an outstretched arm and palm facing her. “I know why you are angry with me.”
“Okay fine.” She takes a few steps back thus complying with Guanyin and returns it arm to the previous position on its lap. “Just tell me what those things behind your back that have accompanied you here are for?”
“They represent the two futures after you stop the war in the year 280 that I have come to tell you.”
Héping ask with a bit of a harsh tone “Just what two futures of mine do they represent?”
“You need to stop talking with that harsh tone in your voice then I will tell you.” Guanyin commands to Héping.
“You have a lot of restrictions. I’ll try to stop this while I talk to you.” Héping replies in a calm voice.
Once the two small acolytes hear her they come out from behind Guanyin and move to the front of the being.
“The one on my right side represents you as a compassionate and modest leader with your parents still alive, a husband, and one child plus a stable trade relationship with Greece. You will have to completely stop using your martial arts if you chose to this future and must use diplomacy.” Thus, the acolyte transforms as such. “The one on my left represents you as an impulsive, almost tyrannical empress wanting to kill anyone who hated her mixed heritage and from your parents’ death after the war. Thus exacerbating the war that will spread to Greece and continue for ten years with Greece being victorious is such a war. Both of these futures will make the world realize the value of diplomacy.” The acolyte transforms as such.
Guanyin pauses for a moment before speaking again. “You now must make a decision about your future. I will let you have two of your minutes for you to deicide.”
“I don’t need two minutes for me to decide my future.” She replies almost instantly, “I have already made my decision.”
“What is your decision, Héping?”
“I choose neither of those two futures. I choose my own future. I will be a strong and compassionate leader after I stop this war using both my martial arts and diplomacy. I will find some way that will lead to a future that is the middle of the two that you told me.”
“If that is your decision then my two acolytes shall become a part of who you are for the rest of your life always in conflict and you must find a balance between compassion and power to successfully stop the war and become the leader you desire. I warn you, the world will not see how you value diplomacy to solve problems without resorting to violence acts until the end of your life at your human age of one hundred.”
The two acolytes slowly move toward each other and with an arm toward each other grabbing the other hand thus permanently attached to each other two halves of one being, rush into her torso. She tries to reject them but faints and falls sleep from two going into her soul.
The parent awake with the morning daylight hitting them. They see her next to their small fire pit. The parents walk toward their silk cushions thus kneeling on them.
“So have you had the dream yet and told what your future will be, daughter?” The mother asks Héping
She answers, “Yes, I have. Why do you not think I would not be ready to stop this war between the kingdoms without what Guanyin told me in the dream?”
“We are worried about the decision you will have to make for your future Guanyin had told you,” The father tells her.
“Since you are worried about my future I will tell what happened.”
Héping rants to them, while trying to be calm about it, for some time with what Guanyin had told her.
indicates an error or typo.
indicates an area I suggest should be improved.
indicates a positive aspect to your writing. Opening lines are vital, and while I don't think yours is weak, it is a little awkwardly phrased. There's something in the syntax which caused me to become somewhat lost in the information you gave; I understand that you may be trying to shake off that old enemy, the clichéd short and snappy opening line, but try to limit the new information you introduce to just three things. You can then continue to build your setting and characters throughout the first character as normal. I also feel that you could be helped by a change in tense - after immediately standing the reader in 'Ancient China' you then jerk us forward again into the present tense. Perhaps the use of the past would help to ingratiate the reader in your time period. You can see the confusion exemplified perfectly in the second line, as the phrasing becomes almost unintelligible; your narrative could do with some more qualifiers. This opening in itself gives off a strong sense of being an introduction, and therefore you could create a more traditional Tale structure by setting this entire passage in the past tense and making the meld into the present during the recounting of the story. Upon rereading the first paragraph, I would suggest a past tense description of the 'new trading road' and then a gentle shift into the present tense as you move onto the family. Western and Eastern should be capitalised. The road that brought western and eastern nations together that started with trade of silk and spices ...' Either remove the 'that' in the middle or add a comma before it. Also, a 'the' before 'trade' wouldn't go amiss. I get a strong sense of the narrative voice as being written in a very oral style - unless this is intended as such, I would recommend making the wording a little more rich. In this description of the trading road, your sentences are unnecessarily long for the complexity of the information given and are lacking in grammatical embellishment. Ancient China was a country full of vibrant language and rich description, something that would be a fantastic thing to reflect in your own writing in order to bring it to life; it feels somewhat wooden. Capitalise Southwestern. Beautiful imagery here, with the idea of 'stopping before a dry and dusty night'. However, unfortunately it doesn't really make much sense until it has been read twice over. In order to keep the lovely wording, try switching 'before' with 'at the start of', or something of that nature. While the very "Free Verse", figurative language is appreciable, it has to be understood first, and most readers won't stick with something they have to reread. Somewhat aesthetic, I know, but this next sentence doesn't really add anything to the piece; you have already described it as a 'large camp', so there isn't any need to list the numerous groups they have stopped with; in fact, this information can be withheld and used later on in the story. Remember to always keep the reader guessing. Also, two lists in an introduction isn't very active or exciting for your audience. While it is terribly overused, an exciting opening does always attract your readership. Once again, too much information. I feel like you've pictured this scene beautifully in your head, and you're therefore trying to set it up identically in your readers' heads as well - squeezing in every last detail. However, I speak from experience that this never results in intriguing literature. It is a nasty habit I'm still trying to nip in the bud! I would simply recommend rewriting this entire first passage with the bare minimum of description needed to keep it flowing, and then to compare the two versions and see what you think is really important, and what isn't. When I read on, I spotted this was a common theme, so I would suggest you really work on this. There should be a comma between large and lavish. Lovely vocab. This speech. I would take a second look over it, and decide how the same thing could be said more naturally. If you are trying to attain the voice of a wise narrator, such as that often seen in Homer or other Classical literature (which is the feeling I get), then I would suggest using reported speech, as this sounds more than a little awkward as far as natural inflective phrasing goes. Try 'caused by' rather than 'in this' in that last sentence. Add a comma after her name during her second speech. There's an omission here - 'stop the three warring kingdoms' - stop them from what? From fighting? From existing? Add a qualifier. 'force them to do so if necessary' - this here is a perfect example of an opportunity for characterisation. If Héping is ruthless and mindless in her approach to killing, you can phrase this instead like the following: 'or force them to do so, should they make me.' By contrast, if she is a wholly good character, who is completely opposed to enforcement through violence, she might say: 'or, if I see no other way, force them to do so.' As an addendum to that point - you repeated 'force' in that single sentence. Try to write with a thesaurus by your side if you don't already. 'to which I believe this war started from.' This unfortunately makes no sense! Try: 'an act which I believe caused this war's conception.' The next sentence, too, is nonsensical. I can't offer a correction as I do not know what it refers to. The war? The aggressive actions? Did you mean to put 'desirable', or did you actually intend to write 'undesirable'? In this context, 'reduction' doesn't really work. Use 'eradication'. End her speech! Don't forget to add your closing speechmarks. 